The Money Map

Before you start

Numbers first. Then decisions.

People over 50 make up a much bigger share of divorces than they used to: 36% of U.S. divorces in 2019, up from 8.7% in 1990.

A long marriage has more paper in it. A pension from the first job. A 401(k) from the second. An IRA somebody rolled over in 2009 and never looked at again. The house, maybe the cabin. Health insurance that runs through one person's employer.

Most couples I sit with try to decide things before they know what they have. Who keeps the house comes up in the first ten minutes. The pension statement shows up three weeks later. Then the house conversation starts over.

So this map goes in order. Part 1 is the paper. Part 2 puts every number on one sheet, so you're both looking at the same page. Part 3 is the decisions, in the order that tends to keep you from redoing them. Part 4 is the list of questions that belong to your own lawyer, tax preparer, financial planner, or the Social Security Administration, not to me.

Nothing in here tells you what to decide. That part is yours.

Source for the share of divorces: Brown & Lin, Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 2022 (doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gbac057), and Bowling Green State University's National Center for Family & Marriage Research. Checked October 7, 2026.

The most recent statement for each thing, the one with a date and a balance on it. You don't need all of it before a first call. Check things off as they show up.

Everything you own and everything you owe, one line each, on one page. It's the same sheet I fill in with couples on Zoom, with the two of you looking at it at the same time.

Write the date next to every value. A balance from March and a balance from September aren't the same number, and that's an easy thing to argue about later. Last four digits of an account number only.

Not sure of a value? Write "unknown" and who would know it. A pension is often a monthly amount, not a balance. Write down what the statement says and leave it at that for now.

These are the questions, not the answers. The order matters because the early ones change the later ones. Where you each live changes the monthly budget. Health coverage changes the budget too.

1. Where each of you will live

   Keep the house, sell it, or one of you buys the other out. Each option has a mortgage, an equity number and a monthly cost attached.

   • What does each of you want, and what's underneath that?
   • What does the house cost to keep each month, upkeep included?
   • If there's a cabin, is it the same conversation or a separate one?

2. Health coverage until Medicare

   If one of you is covered through the other's employer, this gap goes on the list early, with dates attached.

   • How many years until each of you turns 65?
   • What would continuing the current plan cost, and for how long?
   • What would a plan of your own cost?

   Federal facts: Medicare generally starts at 65 (medicare.gov). Under COBRA, divorce can let a covered spouse keep an employer plan for up to 36 months, and the plan has to be told within 60 days (U.S. Department of Labor, dol.gov). COBRA covers employers with 20 or more employees. Checked October 7, 2026.

3. Retirement accounts

   401(k)s, 403(b)s and IRAs: every balance on the same sheet, then the options the two of you want to compare side by side.

   • Which accounts were built during the marriage, and which existed before?
   • Do you want to divide each one, or trade one account against another asset?

4. Pensions

   Every plan has its own rules. Dividing one usually needs a court order the plan will accept, which an attorney or a specialist prepares. The job here is to make sure it's on the list before you finish.

   • Which plans exist, and who administers each one?
   • Is the benefit already being paid, or is it in the future?
   • What survivor options does each plan offer?

5. Social Security

   I don't calculate benefits or tell anyone when to claim. The question goes on each of your lists for the Social Security Administration.

   Federal fact: a divorced spouse may be able to receive benefits based on an ex-spouse's record if the marriage lasted 10 years or longer, among other conditions (Social Security Administration, ssa.gov). Checked October 7, 2026.

6. Two monthly budgets

   One household's money becomes two households' money. Each of you writes your own monthly budget, then you look at both next to the income.

   • What does each household cost a month?
   • Is there a gap, and for how long?
   • Is support between you on the table? How much and how long is yours to decide.

7. Taxes

   Accounts that look equal on the sheet can be taxed differently when the money comes out. That's a question for a tax preparer, with the sheet in hand.

8. The family

   What you tell your grown kids, and when. How holidays and the grandkids work from here. Who updates the beneficiary on the life insurance, and when.

A mediator helps the two of you reach agreement. Some questions belong to someone who works for just one of you. Bring the balance sheet from Part 2 to every one of these.