Podcast
Anatomy of Conflict
Deep dives into the science of conflict, human behavior, and how we navigate difficult relationships.
16 episodes
All Episodes
Bonus Episode: Why I'm Doing This Podcast
In this bonus mini-episode, Ryan goes off-script — who he is, why he started this show, and what drives his obsession with conflict. If you're new here, start here.Ryan started this podcast for the same reason he spent 12 hours a day writing during grad school while his wife worked a coffee shop to keep them afloat — because there's something there he has to get to the bottom of.The honest answer: he wants to get better at this. At mediation. At conflict. At being a partner and a father and a person. And there's almost no gap between what he's personally wrestling with and what he covers on this show. The money stuff with his wife. The imagery/projective/associative cards in his mediation sessions. The Gottman research. He's not presenting these as a detached expert — he has skin in the game.Flannel People Mediation: flannelpeoplemediation.comText Ryan directly: 763-316-8323
The Psychology of Money Fights (And What's Really Underneath)
Money is the #2 cause of divorce — behind only infidelity — but unlike infidelity, it's quiet, chronic, and invisible until the damage is done. In this episode, Ryan gets personally real about his own tightwad tendencies, his marriage, and what a decade of financial conflict has taught him about what's actually underneath money fights. Drawing on peer-reviewed research, the Harvard Negotiation Project, and the neuroscience of emotional flooding, this episode builds a framework for turning your most corrosive financial arguments into a source of genuine intimacy and connection. Because the fight was never really about the granola.In this episode:Why couples who argue about money once a week are 30% more likely to divorce — and what the frequency tells youThe tightwad/spendthrift pairing: why opposites attract and why it eventually costs youPositions vs. interests — the one distinction that unlocks every deadlocked financial argumentWhy compromise is structurally flawed (and what collaboration actually looks like)The neuroscience of emotional flooding and why you literally cannot win a money fight in the heat of the momentRyan's own money story: the $30 coat, the carrots and peanut butter, and a relationship with spending that runs him more than he runs itIf money conflict is showing up in your relationship and you're ready to have a different kind of conversation, Ryan works with couples at Flannel People Mediation — a virtual mediation practice built for exactly this. Learn more at flannelpeoplemediation.com.
Tarot, Part 3: Claude Kills the Woo Woo and Makes the Science Case
Claude is back for round three, and this time we're settling the debate. Projection cards, oracle decks, tarot — call them whatever you want, but the mechanism is pure neuroscience. In this episode, Claude breaks down the research on affect labeling, somatic priming, and nervous system regulation, and shows exactly why these tools belong in the mediation room. We also get into spousal support impasse, why fairness is a feeling not a number, and the one reframe that makes skeptical clients stop rolling their eyes. If you've been curious about these tools, but afraid of the woo woo label, this is your episode.
Tarot, Part 2: The Professional Tool That Gets You Out of Your Head
You can't think your way to a new solution using the same thinking that got you stuck. Suzanne Grandchamp, a divorce attorney with 30 years of experience, breaks down how tarot and oracle cards create embodied space — helping professionals access intuition, name what's unacknowledged, and find the move that logic alone can't reach.
What the Hell Is a Narcissist?
Everyone's ex is one. Every difficult boss is one. Every impossible co-parent is one. Lets cut the word open — trace it from a Greek myth through the DSM-5, through contested prevalence data, through TikTok — and land on the question that actually matters in conflict: what is the label doing for you, and is it helping?
Every Fight You've Ever Had Is About Sex. Even the Ones That Aren't.
You're not fighting about what you think you're fighting about — you're caught between two biological drives, novelty and stability, that evolution built into the same body and never resolved.
Why Therapists Get Divorced More Than the Rest of Us
Therapists know more about communication than anyone. They study attachment theory, practice empathy for a living, and teach couples how to fight fair. So why do counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists divorce at rates above the national average? In this episode, Ryan digs into the research on whether knowledge actually transfers to skill — in conflict, in relationships, and in life. He explores what Carstensen's socioemotional selectivity theory reveals about why older couples fight differently, what Ericsson's deliberate practice framework says about why experience alone doesn't create expertise, and what Gottman's research tells us about what "getting better at conflict" actually means.
What If the Impasse Isn't in Your Head?
Conflict isn't a logic problem. It's a biology problem. In this episode: three tiers of neuroscience-backed tools — from somatic resets to paradoxical interventions — that work at the kitchen table, the conference table, and the mediation table.
How Tarot Actually Fixes Impasse: Stop Talking, Start Shuffling
Conflict is a single-matrix trap; tarot can be the bisociative hammer that breaks it open. We’re stripping the occult away to show you why a well-timed card is the most effective psychological de-escalator in a high-conflict room.
"I Feel Like You Don't Listen" Is Not a Feeling
Everyone told you to start with "I feel." Nobody mentioned that what comes next is almost never a feeling — it's a prosecution. Five studies, one fMRI machine, and a live tarantula prove your brain knows the difference even when you don't.
Why Your Apology Made Everything Worse
You said you were sorry. Their face went flat. Sound familiar? Research shows that the apology most of us default to — the partial, hedge-your-words, "I'm sorry you feel that way" version — actually drops resolution rates below what happens when you say nothing at all. This episode walks through the neuroscience and the data on what a real apology requires, and why it's the hardest easy thing you'll ever do.
I'm Bringing Tarot Cards to My Next Mediation
Cookies. Tarot cards. A jousting pillow. Why a 3rd object between two people changes the neuroscience of the room. Three episodes of expert interviews distilled.
Every Fight Is a Disguised Bible Story
40 years of high-stakes mediation. The lesson? The fight is never about what people say it's about. Arthur Pressman on why the best lawyers have nothing left to prove, why people only hear what supports their position, and why he writes the deal on one page before anyone leaves the room.
Claude AI Exposes Why Most Mediators Fail (And What the Best Ones Do)
I asked Claude AI what separates average mediators from the legends—from couples blowouts to high-stakes business fights. It revealed the exact mindsets and skills that win every conflict. If your fights never end, this will change everything.
5,000 Mediations and No Secret Sauce
Sam Ardery has mediated 5,000 cases. He still doesn't have the secret sauce — and that might be the most useful thing a beginner can hear.We talk about the 5% rule, why "it's the principle" is almost never true, why he refuses to call himself neutral, and what 5,000 reps actually teaches you about yourself.
86 vs 33: The Number That Predicts Your Relationship
The number that predicts divorce. The six-second window that saves arguments. The FBI model that works at your kitchen table. Three tools in 18 minutes.