Do they write the agreement, or do you leave with notes?
This is the one that costs people the most and gets asked the least. Plenty of mediators
will run a good conversation, get you to genuine agreement on every issue, and then hand
you a summary. A summary is not a document you can take to the courthouse. If nobody
writes it down properly, you have paid for a productive afternoon.
What you want to hear
I draft the written agreement, and you leave with it.
What should give you pause
You'll take our notes to an attorney to be written up.
Flat fee, or hourly?
An hourly mediator gets paid more when it takes longer. That doesn't make them dishonest —
most are not — but it does mean the fee structure and your interests point in opposite
directions, and you'll feel it every time a session runs long. A flat fee moves the risk
off you. Ask what the number is, ask what happens if you need more time, and get both
answers before you book.
What you want to hear
One price, quoted up front, covering the whole process.
What should give you pause
A retainer, billed against at an hourly rate.
Will they tell you what your settlement should be?
Some people want a mediator who will say "that's not enough, ask for more." That is not
mediation. The moment a neutral recommends a number, they have picked a side, and the
other person in the room knows it — which is usually the moment the process stops working.
A mediator's job is to help you both understand the options and decide. If you want
someone advocating for you, what you want is a lawyer, and that's a legitimate thing to
want.
What you want to hear
I never recommend a number. I help you both find one you can live with.
What should give you pause
Any hint that they'll quietly take your side once you're alone.
What happens when one of you stalls?
Every divorce has a moment where one person goes quiet, cancels, or reopens something
already settled. It is the single most common way mediation dies. A mediator who has done
this a lot will answer this question immediately and concretely, because they have watched
it happen dozens of times and have a practice for it. A mediator who hasn't will tell you
it rarely comes up.
What you want to hear
A specific answer, given without hesitation.
What should give you pause
That rarely happens.
How many people have actually finished this with them?
Everything above is a claim a mediator makes about themselves. This is the only question
with an answer you can verify yourself, in about ten seconds, without taking anyone's word
for it. Look up their Google reviews and read the number — not the adjectives on their
website, the count. Then read the one-star reviews first. Here is that number for every
mediation practice in Minnesota, including ours.