Comparing your options
Collaborative, mediation or arbitration: who actually decides?
Three ways to settle a divorce without a courtroom fight. They sound alike and work very differently. Here's who's in the room, who has the final say, and what happens if it falls apart, from Minnesota's court rules.
- Collaborative: two lawyers, a team, a promise to stay out of court.
- Mediation: one neutral, the two of you, your own agreement.
- Arbitration: a neutral hears both sides and decides.
4.9 from 292 Google reviewsBy the Flannel People Mediation team. Updated October 2026. General information, not legal advice. Flannel People Mediation doesn't practice law or give legal advice, and doesn't draft court papers or file anything with a court.
Kate McLaughlin, mediator
Qualified Neutral under Rule 114
- Primary sources
- Minnesota Rules 111 and 114
- 4.9 stars
- 292 Google reviews
- On Zoom
- all 50 states + DC
- Free 15 minutes
- to talk it through
The short version
The real question is who holds the pen
All three keep you out of a contested trial, at least at first. The difference is who's in the room and who gets the final say.
Collaborative divorce: each of you hires a trained collaborative lawyer, and everyone signs a written agreement to settle without asking a court to decide. Under Minnesota's Rule 111.05, if it doesn't work, those lawyers must withdraw. That's the deal that keeps everyone honest.
Mediation: one neutral works with both of you. Minnesota's Rule 114 describes mediation as a neutral facilitating communication and negotiation to promote voluntary decision making. You two decide, and what you agree to is put in writing.
Arbitration: a neutral or panel hears both sides and issues an award. Under Rule 114, the award may be binding or non-binding, depending on what you agreed. Minnesota's arbitration act is chapter 572B.
Side by side
Three processes, at a glance
General picture from Minnesota's rules and the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. Costs and timelines vary a lot with the people involved.
| Collaborative divorce | Mediation | Arbitration | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Who decides | The two of you, with your lawyers' advice. | The two of you. | The arbitrator, in an award. |
| Who's in the room | Two collaborative lawyers, often a coach, financial neutral or child specialist. | One neutral mediator and both spouses. | The arbitrator, both sides, and any representatives. |
| The neutral's job | Neutrals on the team help with communication, money or the kids. | Run a fair conversation until you reach agreement. | Hear evidence and decide. |
| If it falls apart | The collaborative lawyers withdraw; you'd start over with new ones. | You can try again, or choose another path. | The award stands, binding or not, per your agreement. |
| What you leave with | A settlement your lawyers help finalize. | A written summary of what you agreed to, for each of you to review with your own attorney if you choose. | An award. |
Collaborative divorce
- Who decides
- The two of you, with your lawyers' advice.
- Who's in the room
- Two collaborative lawyers, often a coach, financial neutral or child specialist.
- The neutral's job
- Neutrals on the team help with communication, money or the kids.
- If it falls apart
- The collaborative lawyers withdraw; you'd start over with new ones.
- What you leave with
- A settlement your lawyers help finalize.
Mediation
- Who decides
- The two of you.
- Who's in the room
- One neutral mediator and both spouses.
- The neutral's job
- Run a fair conversation until you reach agreement.
- If it falls apart
- You can try again, or choose another path.
- What you leave with
- A written summary of what you agreed to, for each of you to review with your own attorney if you choose.
Arbitration
- Who decides
- The arbitrator, in an award.
- Who's in the room
- The arbitrator, both sides, and any representatives.
- The neutral's job
- Hear evidence and decide.
- If it falls apart
- The award stands, binding or not, per your agreement.
- What you leave with
- An award.
Who's in the room
Picture the table
Sometimes the easiest way to tell these apart is to count the chairs.
Collaborative
4 to 7 chairs
You, your spouse, two collaborative lawyers, and, depending on your family, a coach, a financial neutral and a child specialist. CLI on the team.
Mediation
3 chairs
You, your spouse and one neutral mediator, with private breakout rooms when a moment needs it. With us, that's on Zoom, and your mediator is Ryan or Kate.
Arbitration
3+ chairs, one decides
Both sides present, and the arbitrator decides. More on that in mediation vs. arbitration.
The more chairs at the table, the more support you get, and the more people you're paying.
Worth sitting with
Which one fits
Questions to ask yourselves
Not legal advice, just the honest questions that tend to point one way or another.
Do we each want a lawyer at the table?
What's the budget?
Can we still talk?
Do we want someone else to decide?
“Ryan was so helpful as we made our way through an emotionally charged and difficult process. I highly recommend his services for a calm, collaborative process.”
“Ryan was able to keep us on task throughout mediation. We were able to come to agreements that felt fair for both of us.”
“Fair price, quick timeline, solid process, clear communication, easy scheduling.”
Mediation with us
What mediation looks like at Flannel People
Mediation is helping two people work through the hard issues, reach agreement, and put it in writing. Here's how that works with us.
$1,695 per person
Flat, on Zoom: the private calls, the intake and the joint session. Cost breakdown.
Ryan or Kate
Your mediator is Ryan or Kate McLaughlin. Neutral, no sides, no verdicts. Meet us.
All 50 states + DC
Ryan serves couples virtually in all 50 states plus DC. Online mediation.
AI translation
Available if English isn't one spouse's first language. Sessions are conducted in English.
In person?
In-person options may be available on request, for an additional fee.
Safety
When none of these is safe
If there's abuse, threats or coercion, any process that puts you at the same table may not be safe. We talk with each person privately before any joint session, and either person can stop at any time.
If you are in danger, call 911.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. In Minnesota, the Day One crisis line is 1-866-223-1111.
FAQ
Collaborative vs. mediation vs. arbitration: FAQ
Educational information only, not legal advice. Flannel People Mediation provides mediation services and does not provide legal representation.
What's the difference between collaborative divorce and mediation?
In collaborative divorce, each spouse has their own collaborative lawyer, everyone signs an agreement to settle without going to court, and the team often includes neutral professionals such as a coach or financial specialist. In mediation, one neutral mediator works with both spouses to help them reach agreement and put it in writing. Neither process has anyone deciding for you.
What happens if collaborative divorce doesn't work?
Under Minnesota's Rule 111.05, if the collaborative process ends without an agreement, the collaborative lawyers must withdraw from further representation. Each spouse would then hire someone new if the case goes to court.
How is arbitration different from mediation?
In arbitration, a neutral or panel hears both sides and issues a decision, called an award. Under Minnesota's Rule 114, the award may be binding or non-binding, depending on what the parties agreed. In mediation, the mediator doesn't decide anything. You two do.
Which one is cheapest?
It depends on how many professionals are involved and for how long. Collaborative divorce involves at least two lawyers plus any neutrals. With us, mediation is $1,695 per person, flat, on Zoom.
Can we use mediation and still have our own attorneys?
Yes. Mediators don't represent either spouse. Each of you can have your own attorney review the written summary of what you agreed to, if you choose.
Is collaborative divorce available in St. Paul and Minneapolis?
Yes. Minnesota recognizes collaborative law in its court rules, and the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota is a Minnesota nonprofit whose members include collaborative lawyers, coaches and financial professionals.
Does Flannel People Mediation do collaborative divorce or arbitration?
No. We provide mediation only: helping two people work through the hard issues, reach agreement and put it in writing. We don't practice law, give legal advice, or issue decisions.
Sources we checked
Read October 31, 2026. General information about Minnesota rules, not legal advice about your case.
- 01Minn. Gen. R. Prac. 111.05 (Collaborative Law)Definition of collaborative law, and withdrawal of the collaborative lawyers if no agreement is reached.
- 02Minn. Gen. R. Prac. 114.02Definitions of mediation and arbitration (award binding or non-binding per the parties' agreement).
- 03Minn. Stat. ch. 572BMinnesota's arbitration act.
- 04Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota: The collaborative teamRoles of the lawyers, coach, financial specialist and child specialist.
- 05Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota: Role of professionalsWhat collaborative divorce is and who takes part.
Next step
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